How to Say No at Work: Why Refusing Feels So Costly

Abstract

This article is about a question many people ask when a request lands on top of a full week: how to say no at work. Three pieces of research bear on it. A review of studies with more than 14,000 strangers (Bohns, 2016) found that people underestimate how likely others are to agree to their requests, because they do not see how awkward it is to say no. A study of 245 employees (Bolino and colleagues, 2010) found that feeling pressure to help is linked with more helping, and also with more job stress, more conflict between work and home life and stronger intentions to quit. A study of 273 employees and their peers (Bolino and colleagues, 2015) found that tiredness from helping depends on organisational support, on how good the exchange with teammates is and on pressure to help. These are associations in specific groups, not in finance teams. The three steps at the end are practical readings, not tested methods, and this article is not medical advice.

The request that arrives at 4:45 on a Thursday

Your manager sends one line at quarter to five: could you pull the intercompany balances for tomorrow's meeting? It is a reasonable request. It is also the third one this week that was not on your list, and the close is eight days away.

You type "Sure, no problem." You delete it and type it again. Then you send it, and you spend the evening resenting a sentence that took four seconds to write.

How to say no at work: why it feels so costly

The research cited here does not test scripts for refusing. It describes why a no feels expensive, and what a steady stream of yeses can cost afterwards. The studies were of strangers, of mixed groups of employees and of employees with their peers, and none was limited to finance. The next three sections cover what each one found. None of them tested the three steps at the end.

What a review of 14,000 strangers found about requests

Bohns (2016) reviewed research on how people judge their influence over others. Across studies with more than 14,000 strangers, people underestimated how likely others were to agree to a direct request, by about half. The error held across different samples and different kinds of request. The author puts it down to people who ask failing to see how awkward it is for the other person to say no. The review also covers factors that strengthen, weaken or reverse the effect. This is summarised from the published abstract and a repository page.

Read the 4:45 request through this. The person asking you may not know how hard it is to refuse, so a quick yes from you can look like an easy yes to them. This is an inference. The studies were of strangers, not of colleagues who depend on each other, and the review does not say how to refuse.

What a study of 245 employees found about pressure to help

Bolino and colleagues (2010) studied 245 employees. They looked at what they called citizenship pressure, the felt pressure to carry out discretionary helping behaviours that organisations encourage and reward. Pressure was linked with more helping, and the link was stronger for unmarried employees and for less conscientious ones.

Pressure also came with costs. The researchers accounted for the amount of helping and for other job demands, such as role overload and hours worked. Even then, pressure was linked with more conflict between work and family, more conflict between work and leisure, more job stress and stronger intentions to quit. This is summarised from the published abstract and a repository page.

Read the pile of small extras through this. In this study the pressure carried costs of its own, beyond the hours and the overload. This is an inference. It was one sample, the data came from questionnaires, and the study did not test refusing.

What a study of 273 employees found about tiredness from helping

Bolino and colleagues (2015) used data collected in several waves from 273 employees and their peers. They called the feeling of being worn out by helping citizenship fatigue. How helping related to fatigue depended on three things: the support employees felt from their organisation, the quality of the exchange between team members and the pressure to help.

When organisational support was low, more helping was linked more strongly with more fatigue. When the exchange between team members was good and the pressure to help was low, more helping was linked with less fatigue. Fatigue was in turn linked with less helping later. This is summarised from the published abstract and a repository page.

Read the week of yeses through this. Whether helping drains you may depend on the conditions around it, and not only on the helping. This is an inference. The abstract does not say that refusing more would reduce fatigue, and the study did not test refusal.

How to say no at work: three steps

None of these is a tested method, and none was studied in finance teams. They combine what the research points to with ordinary practice. Where a step goes beyond the research, it says so.

1. Say no to the timing, and offer a real alternative. Tie the no to a fact, then give a date. For instance: "I can't do the intercompany pull before tomorrow's meeting. I can have it by Friday noon, or I can send you the three largest balances tonight." A concrete alternative gives the other person something to say yes to. This is an inference from the finding that people who ask do not see how hard a no is, and no study cited here tested this step.

2. Ask which task moves. Put the trade-off on the table instead of absorbing it. For instance: "If I take this, which of the close tasks should wait? My top three today are payroll accruals, the bank rec and the audit query." Bolino and colleagues (2010) found costs of pressure beyond hours worked and overload, and this step makes the trade-off visible to the person asking. This is a judgement, and no study cited here tested this step.

3. Choose one standing yes and one standing no. Decide in advance, when you are not under pressure. For instance, your rule might be to answer audit queries within a day and to take no new ad hoc reports in the last week of the close. Bolino and colleagues (2015) found that the link between helping and fatigue depended on the pressure to help, and a rule means you make the call less often in the moment. This is a judgement, and no study cited here tested this step.

If the request is a deadline you cannot meet, How to Push Back on an Unrealistic Deadline in Finance goes into that case. If the no gets stuck because you do not say what you think, there is Why You Stay Silent When You Disagree With Your Boss. If work keeps landing back on your desk, How to Delegate as a Finance Manager: Why Work Comes Back is about that. For the conversation itself, see Difficult Conversations: A Framework for Honest Communication.

Questions People Ask

How do I say no to my boss?

The research cited here did not test this. The same two ideas apply: a concrete alternative with a date, and a question about which task moves. How to Push Back on an Unrealistic Deadline in Finance covers the deadline case in more detail.

Will saying no hurt my career?

The studies cited here did not measure career outcomes of refusing. The 2010 study measured intentions to quit, job stress and conflict between work and home life, and it found that pressure to help was linked with more of each. Whether a particular no helps or hurts in your workplace is a question for your own context.

Why do I feel guilty when I say no?

The studies cited here measured pressure, fatigue and stress, not guilt. The review by Bohns points to how awkward a refusal is for the person who has to give it. That is one reading of the feeling, and the review does not measure guilt.

Can coaching help me say no?

Coaching is educational support for work patterns. It can help you notice when you say yes automatically, and plan wording for the next request. It is not treatment. No study cited here tested coaching.

When it is more than a busy week

A busy week is one thing. It is more when you dread every message, cannot stop going over what you agreed to, sleep badly for weeks, or feel persistently low or anxious. In those cases talk to your doctor, your occupational health service or a qualified mental health professional. This article is not medical advice. Coaching is educational support for work patterns. It is not treatment and not a substitute for it.

Sources

• Bohns, V. K. (2016). (Mis)understanding our influence over others: A review of the underestimation-of-compliance effect. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25(2), 119–123. DOI: 10.1177/0963721415628011 (Summarised from the published abstract and a repository page.)

• Bolino, M. C., Hsiung, H.-H., Harvey, J., & LePine, J. A. (2015). Well, I'm tired of tryin'! Organizational citizenship behavior and citizenship fatigue. Journal of Applied Psychology, 100(1), 56–74. DOI: 10.1037/a0037583 (Summarised from the published abstract and a repository page.)

• Bolino, M. C., Turnley, W. H., Gilstrap, J. B., & Suazo, M. M. (2010). Citizenship under pressure: What's a "good soldier" to do? Journal of Organizational Behavior, 31(6), 835–855. DOI: 10.1002/job.635 (Summarised from the published abstract and a repository page.)